The Truth Shall Set Me Free - Thypolar (Guest Blogger)

“A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same.” ~Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes

First, and most importantly, I  must point out that I have never been a “Mrs. Hacking” and he has always been “Mr. Thypolar (Mr T)”  With that said, I can go on with my post!

Mr T decided to fill the world in on his baking escapade. Now, why he tried to pin this whole ordeal on me I can only assume. Mr T’s grandma does have the best homemade pumpkin pie recipe on this planet. No joke, it is the best pumpkin pie I have ever tasted. But that my friends is where the truth in his story came to a screeching halt. Today, the truth shall set me free.

You see, he neglected to mention how difficult it is for me to live with a man that has the worst case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that the mental health division of Clark County has ever seen. It is so bad in fact, that the Center for Disease control was called in to to a toxicology screening because the psychologist was convinced some form of contagious disease was the cause of his mental instability. No such luck. He is just a certified nut job. If you are familiar at all with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, then you know that everything (EVERYTHING) has to be done his way. Frankly I’m over it.

So we have been making Grandma’s homemade pumpkin pies since we beat her down wrangled her for the recipe. Although I have made said pumpkin pies, Mr T wants the crusts done “his way” and refuses to  let me make them. So you see, I never “forced him” to make any pies because he INSISTED that he be the one to make them. For the past three months we have watched the ingredients to these yummy pies sit in the cabinet. Every week he says that he is going to make these pies and yet they were not being baked. Feeling guilty about this fact (I’m assuming) he starts blaming me for his lack of motivation by saying that I keep him too busy. Apparently I wasn’t giving him the “time” to bake. Fine then. I made sure he had the time and penciled it into his schedule. Ha!

The next morning while I’m working my ass off with the kids, he is busy in the kitchen baking pies. All the while he is plotting and planning his post. (proof that he is sick in the head if you ask me). So while the pies sit on the kitchen counter to cool, and after a month of getting nothing but whining and blame, I open an email of his new post titled “A Hacks Day Off“.

Not me, but might as well have been!

Karma is Bitch though, isn’t it?

Mind you, we have still yet to have ONE damn bite of these pies. Why is that? So let’s fast forward to later that evening. We have all been anxious to have a piece of the pies and Mr T is in the kitchen. Not only does he HAVE to be the one to bake these damn things, but he also HAS to be the one to slice them. He is so horribly obsessive about it that he pre-slices both pies every time they get made. Sick, right? So of course Mr T is insistant on cutting everyone’s pie and getting it plated. We sick back and watch the show unfold (sometimes, you just have to).

Now I’ve revealed that Mr T is a Taurus, right? And well you know the the sign of the Taurus is associated with the Bull? True to form, Mr T  pulled out all the stops, grew him some damn horns and considered my kitchen to be his china closet. While attempting to get out some plates, one of my large dinner plates comes crashing down and breaks all over the counter. SHIT! I love those damn plates you OAF!

Oh yes he did!

 

After we were done pointing and laughing (and changing our pants from pissing ourselves) we tried to help him clean up his mess. That’s when we realized the true horror of the situation. There was glass all over the pies.

 

Can you believe this?

Karma is most definitely a bitch sir. All that work and still no pies. There is one thing that I know for sure. My crust may have not been done “his way”, but at least we would have been able to eat some pie! If you’d like to paint me as the crazy ass bitch from Misery, I’ve got a quote for you Mr T!

“[Right after smashing Paul's ankles with a sledgehammer] God I love you.” ~ Kathy Bates in Misery

THE END

(taking my bow now)